Turtle Pie

When i got out of college, I made a mad dash for life. With freedom from collegiate responsibilities, I was able to explore my life as a skater. Went into 6 competitions, the most I've ever entered in one year. The year after, got a coaching job locally. When the next year rolled out, I was coaching on international ground. Had fun experiencing three auditions with an international Ice Show. Got back to Manila. Did a cameo in a movie. Attended numerous workshops. Took part in a commercial. Started to dabble in TV. Started to do rackets. Became part of local ice shows. Was bouncing from place to place. Making friends along the way. And keeping those newly formed friendships meant gimiks :) Three years after college, I went into the corporate world. With a whole new network of people & in a whole new arena, it meant more activites. Still, the competitions never stopped. The night outs were endless. There were trips out of town & out of the country every now & then. The only rest were the car & plane rides in between destinations. It was fun! It was fast-paced. It was life!

Relationships were at an all time high too! Though there was tension in the family becasue of my ever-evolving social life, yet in the end, sunday brunches were still there. An effort for everyone since being busy is a normal thing with us. My sister stepped into college & was heavily involved with her extra-curricular activities. My parents had a business to run. So I cocooned myself with work & friends. Sunday was our checkpoint :) Making sure we're all in one piece.

Four rollercoaster romantic relationships in a span of six years. Damn that's tough!

Falling out with other friends. A death in the family. Newfound friends. A career shift trial. Failed business venture. They have all become a blur.

STOP!

I suddenly realized. Im tired.

The first time the sun shone after more than 2 weeks of rain; it felt like I was reborn. This felt like my new year. That there should be fireworks. That I make a resolution. And that I can start with a clean slate. I need to take better care of myself. With age, people mellow down. I guess this is where I am at.

My status on my YM reads: Slow is good.

With that in mind, I now believe that timing is everything. And patience is needed. With proper investment, you reap quality benefits.

My friends who have been with me for a long time, who have weathered all the problems, been with me to gimiks, texted & called for no reason but to say hi, held my hand to comfort me, clapped when I skate, laughed at my jokes, reprimanded me for being tactless, loved-then-hated my exes (haha!); they are priceless. And all these years, no one thought we'd really last this long. I will now take things in stride when it comes to love. I have taken such a beating from cupid that this time, I shall inspect the arrow before I plunge it into my heart. Or else, I'll stick it up his ass! With work, pace myself. I dont wanna end up like those people who slaved over their jobs & not enjoy their life because of it.

Just keep walking.

No wonder the turtle finished the race even when he got a slow start.
Now I can have my cake & eat it too! :)

NUDGE

Aj & I went out for coffee last night. First thing he said was "what's with you? you're positively glowing!". And you know what? I do feel like Im glowing! I just got off the phone with Vannie & she noticed the happiness in my voice... :)

I guess for the past few weeks, throwing myself at work & going out to dinners with friends have pushed me to a faster recovery rate. Im thankful for everyone who has nudged me inch by inch towards betterment. It wasn't an easy journey, but I have arrived nonetheless. From this point forward, it'll be different. It'll be better. It'll be happier.

Im glad to have people believe in me. Glad that God gave me the strength to win this battle.
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"Nobody is an island -- it's an obvious statement to say that you need relationships to get you through life. Other people provide the acid to your base, and can often be a perfect sounding board for your ideas. But in order to make the deep connections you need for total honesty, you must develop trust. The only way to do this is to take a risk and let someone in. So reach out today -- lower your drawbridge and invite someone to cross your moat."

-->Even the stars conspire in making sure that I do not fall in the trap of bitchiness, haha! Richie & I were texting sometime last week, and he was saying "naku no, you dont have it in you to become bitter! sa ganda mong yan friend, you'll be singing a different tune in no time!". And I have no doubt about it.
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an excerpt from James Blunt's new song:
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

--> Uncanny timing. I heard this song for the first time when I was on my way home. When everything falls into place, it feels good. I now even have a song to mark this point of my life.

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Rain pours outside. Lightning & thunder alternately take to the sky & fill it with their presence. But nothing can beat the glow emanating from me. I can honestly see myself going forward, due to the nudges given by my friends. Thanks guys.

CLAIM STUB

When will I get my heart back from the repair shop?

I was chatting up a storm with my best friend Jocelle. Both she & I went thru our worst break up to date! She was ahead by a month or two. So whatever she went thru, im like a stage or two away.
Currently, she's caught between a rock & a hard place. Not sure if going ahead with this new guy is actually gonna guarantee her safety from another letdown.

Jaws: but then... if that's the case, then how are you really going to protect your heart right? i just feel our hearts are the ones we should always protect as it is the most fragile and vulnerable... but it is still the one we offer fully.. open and beating... in the palm of our hands... exposed and prone to being crushed
Jaws: sorry i'm babbling... obviously I've been thinking about this over and over again....
Ro: no, its ok
Ro: i welcome this
Ro: kasi im already anticipating this
Ro: not only from you; but from me as well
Jaws: i tried ronz.. i tried so hard to make pigil... you guys know this.... i just thought stay the course... but i guess i didnt realize that staying the course or jus riding the current brought me through the escalation of things....
Ro: well then DRIVE mare!
Ro: you're stronger than this!
Ro: you're on the track na, how will you let the race go?
Ro: win diba?! fight ka na girl
Ro: you're against yourself
Jaws: sigh... i guess i really should just go through this with a stiff upper lip
Ro: one step at a time FROM THIS POINT FORWARD
Ro: naglalakad ka nga, pero ambilis mo eh
Ro: slow down and listen to your feelings per step
Jaws: sigh.... you're right... i will.....
Ro: relax and breathe
Ro: if u cant slow down, pray for CLARITY
Ro: so u know where ur going even if ur fast
Jaws: true... very true ...
Jaws: and hindi naman Nya ako pababayaan right? if He put me to this.. He'll bring me through it.
Ro: yep
Jaws: i guess in the end.. it's all FAITH....
Ro: and thats what He wanted to teach us diba?
Ro: in the end, He wants us to have what?
Ro: faith
Ro: in HIM

In the end, she discovered that she still has the ability to care for another person. The one thing that we were both afraid of, is that we'll morph into a cynical, bitter, closeted-hopeless-romantic. Sure, we now have our newborn doubts and fears. But we both discovered the fact that we heal well. I used to say that Im not a fighter, Im the other twin. It looks as though I have become a fighter as well.

With that, I clutch my claim stub firmly. And wait for the day when I get my heart back from the repair shop. Good as new.

What type of Ex am I?

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

June 18 thoughts

Driving around the metro everyday of your life, you never really get to check out what’s happening outside. Heck! I never really notice when billboards change. You figure out that it’s not the driving that has kept you occupied all this time. It was because you had someone to look at. Each glance you gave him, each laugh shared. All those times where you never see the change of the traffic signal coz you’re too busy talking about last night’s movie, or a funny story you heard at work, or even the simplest silence… just staring at each other. With all that gone, you now rest your eyes on the outside world. And then a perfect day comes around, and it seems like it comes around almost everyday when you’re feeling miserable. It’s funny how you feel betrayed by how beautiful the sun shines. How perfect everything looks. You shudder at the warmth of the sun. You hear people’s voices. Happy. A gentle breeze moves the trees. Cars are all shiny with their perfectly maintained engines purring by. You wonder why you are even experiencing such a pretty day when you feel rotten to the core. Betrayed by your loved one. Betrayed by the weather. Betrayed by the happiness that seems to envelope you.

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Holed up in my room, I reach for a stack of DVDs I bought on my way home from Baguio. Now, more than ever, the lines that these actors say really slam you. They jump out and speak as if it were your own mouth that was moving. You hear what you want to hear. All the admonitions, the realizations. The guy looking down, saying sorry, shuffling his feet. The girl, all teary-eyed, grasping for words, then throwing her hands in exasperation. Scenes freak you out coz you see them mirror your own experiences.

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Every single movement after that painful breakup seems to move in slow motion. Each is like a mark of the last pages of a chapter you never thought would close.

When you slam the door.
When you walk away.
When you get on the bus and never look back.
The cell phone flashing his name, and the way you look up, deciding whether to answer it or not.
Rushing to your friends and sinking in their arms.
Crying to your mom.
Curling in your bed.
And spending countless days in silence with all the emotions raging a storm inside of you.

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Your eyes can never lie. Casual friends see you on the street; notice how you’ve lost that glow. Or that certain sadness has crept and settled in your eyes.

Each day feels so long and lonely.

Beaches & Hospitals

story written december 2005

I have visited neither a beach nor a hospital in almost 12 years. My last memory visiting both was during the summer of my 15^th year. I was brought to the hospital for treatment of my 1^st degree burn sustained from a motorcycle incident. A few weeks later, my family & I set off on a road trip; stopping by the beach after spending a few days in Baguio. Incidentally, the dip in the salty water hastened my burned leg’s healing process that by the time school opened, I’m all healed. From that moment on, I have never set foot on either of those places. Year 2005, I would have my fill of both.

With my Dad diagnosed with lung cancer during the last quarter of year 2004, we all knew that things would be different come the New Year. Christmas, for the first time, brought about mixed emotions as we celebrated in our living room. Happy, that for the nth time, we were all together. A small family of four members; a core team of a father & mother, a son & a daughter. At the stroke of midnight, the usual sounds emanating from our living room could be heard if you were the cat that would hang out in our garage. Wrapping paper being torn, oohs & aahs, my sister Ronna squealing with delight, my mother & father exchanging gifts & reading out the various friends from the shipping industry who have given them a little something. Mom pointing out how every year, less & less of their usual circle of friends would have a present under the tree. Yes, life has definitely gotten hard & has not improved even under the promises of the presidents that have come & gone. Meanwhile, I, having a platito of dessert whilst opening presents, will be filtering the gifts into things I can use, things I will keep though I have no use for them, and those gifts that I can recycle. Hey! I appreciate the gesture, but if someone else will benefit from a tent-like shirt that is totally off my usual get-up, even if it is Guess, then so be it! There was, of course, a looming sadness over us all. The battle for survival placed upon my father had begun. Emotionally, we were all gearing up for battle. “It’s gonna be a long year” I sighed, as I looked at my dad across the room. Little did I know how “long” it would be when the fireworks went up a week later.

to be continued...

Pretention

Just because my eyes dont mist, doesnt mean my heart doesnt cry. Just because I come out strong, doesnt mean that theres nothing wrong. Often, I choose to pretend that Im so happy so I dont have to explain myself to people who will never understand. Smiling has always been easier than explaining why Im sad.