June 18 thoughts

Driving around the metro everyday of your life, you never really get to check out what’s happening outside. Heck! I never really notice when billboards change. You figure out that it’s not the driving that has kept you occupied all this time. It was because you had someone to look at. Each glance you gave him, each laugh shared. All those times where you never see the change of the traffic signal coz you’re too busy talking about last night’s movie, or a funny story you heard at work, or even the simplest silence… just staring at each other. With all that gone, you now rest your eyes on the outside world. And then a perfect day comes around, and it seems like it comes around almost everyday when you’re feeling miserable. It’s funny how you feel betrayed by how beautiful the sun shines. How perfect everything looks. You shudder at the warmth of the sun. You hear people’s voices. Happy. A gentle breeze moves the trees. Cars are all shiny with their perfectly maintained engines purring by. You wonder why you are even experiencing such a pretty day when you feel rotten to the core. Betrayed by your loved one. Betrayed by the weather. Betrayed by the happiness that seems to envelope you.

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Holed up in my room, I reach for a stack of DVDs I bought on my way home from Baguio. Now, more than ever, the lines that these actors say really slam you. They jump out and speak as if it were your own mouth that was moving. You hear what you want to hear. All the admonitions, the realizations. The guy looking down, saying sorry, shuffling his feet. The girl, all teary-eyed, grasping for words, then throwing her hands in exasperation. Scenes freak you out coz you see them mirror your own experiences.

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Every single movement after that painful breakup seems to move in slow motion. Each is like a mark of the last pages of a chapter you never thought would close.

When you slam the door.
When you walk away.
When you get on the bus and never look back.
The cell phone flashing his name, and the way you look up, deciding whether to answer it or not.
Rushing to your friends and sinking in their arms.
Crying to your mom.
Curling in your bed.
And spending countless days in silence with all the emotions raging a storm inside of you.

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Your eyes can never lie. Casual friends see you on the street; notice how you’ve lost that glow. Or that certain sadness has crept and settled in your eyes.

Each day feels so long and lonely.