One year

Many things can happen in a day. Even in a week. Can you imagine how much more in a year?

In the last 3 years since my last blog post, I was able to experience great new heights of joy and, unfortunately, explored vast new low points as well. It must be the laziness that prompted me to just shout out my status (thanks to Twitter & Facebook) instead of writing it down like i used to in my diary back in the 90s or blogging about it here. I can probably also attribute it to my decision to just live my life without having to record my feelings through writing because I find it easier to either remember or forget all about it. With that, I'd like to write about how my last year went. I think its far easier to deal with that.

2010 opened up with a lot of uncertainty. My relationship was about to crash, my friends were nowhere in sight, and the business where I work part time just closed. The only sane thing in my life was college. I was entering my last year in Photography and I was so numb from all the disappointment that I had back then that I was welcoming the grueling pain the major subjects will bestow upon all of us. College felt like the sun rising above us, too hot to take but you'd rather have that than the biting cold. Better to feel something than nothing :)

I learned a lot! The distraction proved to be worth it as I devoured every challenge thrown to me by my profs. I knew I was weak in a lot of different genres on photography and I will struggle to find good grades for that. I didn't mind criticism, there was a lot of other things that were far more painful than that. I was reminded of, once again, to never expect a lot from people. My own classmates proved to be a disappointment when it comes to group work so I had to choose my co-workers well. Seems like there were a lot of people who cared less about what they do in class. Admittedly, I may not be as focused as I should be because of other lingering issues in my head, but hey! I'm still doing the work and really trying hard.

The real battle, always raged within. And when school was over for the day, I had to either find friends to hang out with or race home so I can either sleep or play games. I was just not in the mood to even go out for a run. I don't want to deal with the issues just yet. This was how it was for a good few months. I was waiting for that moment when I'd get tired of this and finally do something for myself.

One day, as I was getting my haircut. I saw myself in the mirror. Transforming (well literally, yes haha). In my head, I saw a symbolism in what I was seeing in that salon. Each tuft of hair falling off my shoulders felt like the issues I had in my life. I always knew I'll probably never get a perfect way to deal with them but letting go was not an option I saw for myself. This was something worth trying!

One by one, I let go of the issues and people who just brought me so much negativity. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. After all, after so many months of ignoring it all, I now had to face it so I can dump it all out. Clean cut. Clean break. Clean start.

Fate was also nice to me at this point as I was lent a book that dealt with the process of re-learning who you are and knowing what to keep. The timing was also nice since I said yes to a trip to Zambales. I had fun there getting to know a place I've never been to. Found time to meditate and wrap up the last of the many issues i was letting go. After reading, i learned how to forget my personal history & to open up to the love that is everywhere. To free myself from facts & concentrate on emotions. To be filled with more love & more of life's joys.



I am far from my old self. But at least in a year, I have made huge steps to recovery. Ive seen others just waste away.

I'm excited with what the next year will bring.